#12. White Supremacy

Here's one of those entries that you could argue either way on, and since you love nit-picking my selections, you're going to say this one shouldn't be here. You're gonna say, “White supremacy still exists, just not on the same scale as it used to.” And you are technically correct.

But for the most part, there's no mainstream white supremacy left, other than from Rush Limbaugh, people in Mississippi, and the sport of hockey. And Rush Limbaugh's a douche, Mississippi is a tumor, and hockey is Canadian, so none of those really count.

Rush Limbaugh

Now, for the most part, it's stuck in a bathroom stall in the men's room at an all-you-can-eat buffet in North Carolina. When I was there, I saw that someone had etched “Nigeration, 1/20/08” on the wooden door, obviously refering to the fact that a black man, Joe Biden, was gonna be nigerated on that day.

And that's just terrible. Misspelling nigger? Good god man.


Yet still, that's really nothing, or at least it used to be considered nothing.

It used to be if a black man looked at a white girl, a gang would go, kidnap the black man, tie him up, play in one-on-one so that the white guy can say, “I beat a black man one-on-one!” and then massacre the body using only the most rusty household appliances. And those were the lucky victims.

The unlucky ones had to watch lesbian curling

Black people had to walk on their side of the street, sit in the back of the bus (part of Alabama's policy of Aliterative politics, Black boys' behinds on back of bus), use their own powder rooms, and consent to being lynched at least twice a month.

On the other hand, white people had the obligation to dress up in white sheets and burn crosses on black people's lawns. They also controled the government and could seize the black peoples lawns, but white southerners were always too dumb to think of that.

All of a sudden, all this shit died. And everyone attributes it to the Civil Rights Movement. But that's wrong, and you have to trust me because I'm a history major.


No, white supremacy died not because of changing political movements but because white people found another group to put down.

Blacks had become too strong, too well-organized, too foul smelling to fight. Why fight the New York Yankees when you can fight the Kansas City Royals? Why fight the British when you can fight Canada?

No, the whites in the south turned their attentions onto belittling the Hispanics, more commonly known by the derogative nickname of “Mexicans,” (except in South Florida, where the old Jewish people chose the much more sexy name of “Cubans”), who were quickly arriving from a place called “Latin America.”


And the best part of the Mexicans arriving were that the black people didn't like them, because they were willing to collect paychecks to sleep on the job for less money than the blacks were willing to do the same for.

White supremacy, once the preeminent feature of a southern Democracy, became White and Black co-supremacy over the Mexicans, and that's just not as fun to say as White supremacy.

So that too died, and we're all back to hating the Jews.

#3. Political Incorrectness

I'm not old enough to remember the good ol' days when everything was so much simpler and better. The Yankees won the World Series every year and the only thing you had to worry about was whether your boyfriend or son would come back from Korea alright. You had unending television options with three channels, and you could watch the raunchy dance techniques of Elvis Presley. What can top that?

Well, political incorrectness, of course.

Black people were called Negros or Colored People; Asians were Orientals and the spoon was invented so they could eat glape jello (true story); homosexuals had a disease; little people were midgets; women were not people. As I said, much simpler, better times.

And of course, political incorrectness still does thrive in the backwards parts of the country that are shielded from mainstream America and its values, like Biloxi, Miss., Casper, Wyo., and Dallas, Texas. But for the most part, it's as dead as the squirrel I swerved to hit on my way to work last Thursday.

Downtown Casper, Wyo., not to be confused with Vancouver, B.C., which is just a smaller-scale replica

No, political correctness has taken over and has come to dominate American life.

Mexicans are no longer lazy spics. Now they are lazy Mexican-Americans.

Women no longer look snappy, unless you want to be sued for $12 million, have your reputation destroyed, lose the cubicle adjacent the bathroom, and have your wife no longer make you a sandwich while you watch the Bills-Patriots game at 1:00.

And rappers are no longer thugz and playaz and gangstaz. No, now they're just flat out niggaz.

None of it is fun.

We (and by we I actually mean the heterosexual, middle-aged white male, married with children, one living parent, and season tickets to the NHL, so in essence, not me) have to be extremely careful of everything we say so as to “not offend,” because if we “offend,” we are “S.O.L.” and “unemployed.”

Look at Don Imus, for instance. He goes on radio and calls a bunch of nappy-headed hoes a basketball team and gets suspended and ultimately fired. Sure, they were a basketball team, but we can no longer assume that any black adult not either in prison or in KFC is a basketball player. Making such an assumption “offends.”

*Michelle Obama and Tiger Woods were at KFC

Or we can look at Jimmy The Greek, who when he was not creating a chain of Greek fast-food restaurants in Western Canada, was on CBS saying such outlandish things as “the black is a better athlete” and “the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid.” No, with political correctness, what Jimmy the Greek should have done was cut a big black check for $10 million as an apology for slavery and give it to the great-great-great-great granddaughter of a houseslave who once knitted Martha Washington's stove mittens to show sympathy for the anguish that slavery has caused on that great-great-great-great granddaughter, just like every other rich white male has been forced to do.

Canada has a fast-food Greek chain, further proof that Canadians have no taste buds

We can't make jokes about Indians any more (and last I heard, the International Association on Political Correctness changed them back to being called Indians again), but we can put on our college applications that we are “Native American” (how crude) just because 18 generations ago someone in our family passed around Pocahontas like she worked for Eliot Spitzer and we are distantly descended.

We can't say that Jews control the economy or that Koreans have funny voices or that Californians are pompous fruitbags or any other fact out of fear of offending.

Californian

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I like political incorrectness. I want it back.