#1. The Value of the U.S. Dollar

I know the dollar hasn't always been the most valuable currency in the world. It's languished behind the British pound, the Kuwaiti dinar, the Omani rial, and the American five dollar for years now, but it's been a while since it was this bad.

Last summer, for instance, it briefly fell behind the Canadian dollar. Yup, you read that right. Our dollar was worth less than a country that plays curling, drinks Molsons, drives Zambonis, listens to Bryan Adams, and worst of all, speaks French. Our dollar, our precious little piece of currency, was worth less than a country that is so technologically inept, that it still requires all businesses to have hitching posts for horses.

Public transportation through downtown Montreal

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: “how the hell do I know what you're thinking.” But that's beside the point. You're thinking that our economy is improving. Heck, the Dow just finished higher than it has all year. We're still at millennium highs in comparison to the mega-struggling British pound. Yada, yada, bullshit.

Our dollar is still further down the crapper than that set of car keys you lost when you were drunk off your ass after the Blue Jays won the 1992 World Series. You might not have realized it then, but that was the turning point. Once those damn Nordies were able to win the World Series, which if it's going to be called a World Series, can only be won by American teams, they began conspiring to destroy our economy one piece at a time.

*Titles were won by Toronto, which was traded to the United States in exchange for Detroit in 1997

First, they gave us two of their shittier hockey teams, forcing our cities to waste hundreds of millions of dollars to build arenas for a sport no one really cares about. Then they got two NBA teams, one of which has won a playoff game, syphoning off the billions of dollars of television money NBC and now ABC pays to the teams and saddling Secretariat to get it to national headquarters in Ottawa. Thirdly, they secured the rights to the 2010 Winter Olympics, allowing thousands of tourists to flock into Vancouver in the winter and freeze to death, forcing their families to thus organize funerals in Canada and pour even more money into the country. Finally, they rigged the 2004 election.

You might not have realized it at the time, but it was Canada that made sure Bush won the 2004 election. Who had more to gain than the damn Nordies? By making sure Bush won, Canadia (it's one true name) guaranteed that the United States would waste trillions of dollars on its war in Iraq, thus building more and more debt with China. Since China would have more of a vested interest in the United States than Canada, Canada could default on all of its loans from China and nobody would really care. Why would China want $35.22 from Canada (25 percent of its GDP) when it could have $500 billion from the United States?

Exactly.

Canada is the World's Largest Producer of Geese Droppings

So go ahead, blame Bush for destroying the value of the United States dollar, but now you know the truth. It was Canada's fault.

South Park was right again.