#2a. Nickelback

Everyone has bands that he does not like. You might not like Aerosmith and Creed, your brother might hate Pearl Jam and Creed, and your sister might despise J. Geils Band and Creed. But for the most part, those bands either die or fade and you forget about them until you hear them on a Classic Rock radio station 30 years from now and go, “Oh yeah, I remember that kick-ass song.”

But Nickelback is different. Nickelback refuses to go, refuses to fade, refuses to roll over and rot, kind of like Joan Rivers and Dick Clark.

Joan Rivers, 158, after her 9:00am botox injection

No, Nickelback instead continues to spurn out garbage left and right, a new album here, a single there, and somehow, some moron goes out and buys their shit. And like the last time he bought their shit, that moron is going to go, “Oh yeah, they suck.”

Nickelback are the Chicago Cubs of rock bands. Everyone knows they suck; everyone knows they have no talent; everyone knows they're not going to win anything meaningful. But goddamnit, they're going to make a fortune because everyone is going to go watch them when they come to town. And like the Chicago Cubs, I don't get it.


This band is bad. It's flat-out awful. The lyrics suck. The music is stolen. The band look like Jersey shore muggers. Put simply, the University of Florida could win the national title, there can be a cure for cancer, Canada can be blown to bits, and it would still be a bad day if I have to listen to a Nickelback song.

Nickelback is that bad.

Stereotypical Nickelback fans

Okay, there are comparable bands. I'd rather listen to Nickelback than Creed, but at least Creed had the decency to break up.

Nickelback? No. They still breath.

Every time “Photograph” comes on the radio, I want to stab myself in both ears until I go deaf, then take a pistol and shoot my brains out. Naturally, I deafen myself first so that at least I don't have to hear that shit as I die.

Every time someone puts on “How You Remind Me,” I want to, well, I don't know. Just take a look at that first stanza. Please, look at those brilliant lyrics.


Chad Kroeger never made it as a wise man. He couldn't cut it as a thief. He thinks he's been acting like he's blind. He's ill, but he can't feel anything.

Those lyrics are so original, so previously unsaid, so perfect, it makes me want to request this song so much that it goes to number one on every fucking chart in every fucking country until every fucking person with eardrums has fucking mutilated himself so he wouldn't have to hear that fucking song.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or better yet, God, please, kill Nickelback. Please, I'm begging you. Please....

Oh fuck it, God is dead. Oops, guess I gave away a future entry.