#7. Ohio

As promised, I've ignored my schedule again to bring you this shocking piece of information: Ohio is dead. Now, okay, parts of Ohio are alive, well, on life support, but on the whole, the state is dead.

Cleveland? Gone. Cincinnati? Please. Toledo? Well, to be honest, I've never been there, but it might as well be gone. Plus, who wants to go to Toledo?

The state that gained fame for looking like a toilet is as dead Edward Tiffin, the first governor of Ohio, who Sarah Palined his seat in 1807 after getting selected to serve in the United States senate. And to be honest, it's not much of a loss, at least for the average non-Ohioan, which, according to the 2000 census, is 95.6386472% of people reading this blog, assuming everyone is reading this blog, which of course is true.

For starters, Ohio is a dump. Cleveland is as abandoned as a black mother's baby. Housing projects are left uncompleted, exits to highways are closed in disrepair, and restaurants have more free seats than an MLS game.

Top Ten Things to do in Ohio 10. Pick a random street on a map and guess how many homes have been foreclosed. 9. Masterbate.
8. Set a river on fire. 7. Compare the state's corruption with that of Illinois. 6. Go to sleep early. 5. See who can be the first to spot 10 total white people in Cincinnati. 4. Reminisce about Connecticut. 3. Use the toilet. 2. Leave. 1. Talk about winning sports championships.

Continuing, the sports teams suck. The Browns? Sspphh. The Bengals? God, they might be the better professional team. The Reds and Indians and Blue Jackets and Crew? Need I say anything more? That leaves just the Cavs, and they don't count because LeBron is about it leave. And on the collegiate level, Ohio State always loses when it counts.

The rivers are brown when they're not on fire, the air smells of tylenol, and the winters are long, cold, and not filled with postseason football, Minnesota's one redeeming factor.

Winter snow storm in Ohio, or the late-June thaw in Calgary

Put simply, it's the biggest shit-hole this side of Gabriel Iglesias.

The state is so run-down, it makes vacationing in West Virginia seem pleasant.

West Virginia's top attraction

Of course, it has redeeming points, like, um, the fact that I don't live there. Of course, there are plenty of places in the United States that I'm glad I don't live, like the northeast, northwest, deep south, or Utah, not to mention the Dakotas, Iowa, Alaska, or basically any place not named Texas, but Ohio takes the cake.

I mean, really, what is there to do in Ohio?

It's cold, it's out of the way, nobody important lives here, and it holds the lofty status as America's armpit.

Sure, it has a bunch of Halls of Fame, like the NFL Hall of Fame and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Lou Holtz Hall of Fame, the latter of which includes such inductees as Lou Holtz and

But besides the Halls, the best part of Ohio is leaving and praying that you never return, because, really, if you wanted cold, dark, oblong, and awkward, you'd go to Canada, where at least you can smoke a Cuban.


That's right, Ohio is so bad, I complimented Canada. Take that, you ugly piece of shit.