#11. Kenny McCormick

Of all the blog entries so far, none has reeked of deadline writing as badly as this one.

And this entry sucks most of all. Just stop reading. I'm serious. I was too busy to write a good entry. So go fuck yourself.

And of all the blog entries so far, none has had such a high profile nor been as prolific at dying as Kenny McCormick. I mean, Kenny has died approximately 78 times, including the two times his character died playing World of Warcraft, but not including the time his look-alike died in some woman's snatch.

That's a lot of times.

By comparison, Johnny Carson, Josip Stalin, and Babe Ruth all died once each, and Jesus Christ, including his various reincarnations as Joan of Arc, Martin Luther, and that alcoholic coach in Hoosiers who gets sober and dramatically returns for the title game, has died 19 times, or 59 less than Kenny.

Now I know what your thinking. You're thinking “why the fuck does he always say he knows what I'm thinking in every blog entry,” but that's besides the point. You're also thinking that Kenny's not real, that Kenny's a fucking cartoon character, that he keeps coming back to life, and it should not count.

And you are Dead-Fucking-Wrong (DFW, which also stands for Dumb-Fucking-Women and Daily-Free-Women, but not Dallas-Fort Worth, which is a shitty airport. They charge you $2 to drive through the airport, let alone to park. I mean, really? I can't drop somoeone off without paying $2. That is bullshit.)

Kenny McCormick counts as much as the U.S. Dollar, Disco, Reaganomics and Ron-Ron. He's died here just as much and then some.

Kenny's been shot, had a tree fall on him, crushed by a chandelier, lit on fire, and gotten syphilis from his girlfriend. And those are just the boring ones.

He's been motorcycled, laughed himself to death, gets crushed by a tombstone, and microwaved.

You name it, and it's been done.

He committed suicide after seeing Kathy Bates naked

And eventually, Kenny died for good.

Kenny died after a lengthy battle with some muscular illness and for an entire year he was gone. Disappeared for good, right? Sure, some die-hards (pun intended, although it wasn't really intended, I just have never said “pun intended” before and wanted to say it here) were upset, but really, Kenny was only a prop character, one created so that he could die. Kind of like all of Michael Vick's dogs.


But nonetheless, he was created for our entertainment, so that we could enjoy his presence and bask in the cleverness of his deaths, and celebrate with laughter every time he got killed by “you bastards.” We enjoyed him dying and he made our lives fuller. Kind of like how Michael Vick's dogs made Michael Vick's life fuller (and his ass fuller once he was in prison).

So every time Kenny McCormick dies, at least every time he dies in America, especially when he sacrifices himself so that American lives won't be lost fighting something as retarded as Canada, laugh and cheer, but remember also what he has given to you in terms of enjoyment. Yeah, I have no idea what I'm getting at either.

The moral of this entry? Don't wait until the last minute to write an entry while watching a very important baseball game. It's bound to be shitty and not make any sense, kind of like Canada.