#13. Sexy

To be honest, I did not know sexy was dead. I really didn't. Until, of course, Justin Timberlake tried during the summer of 2006 to revive it.

And I'll spend the next two paragraphs describing how he brought it back, in case you were vacationing in a communist nation for the past three years and have not seen random fratboys enter parties saying “I'm bringing sexy back” before they pass out on a couch and get raped by one of the older pledges.

Frat Boy after a quiet Tuesday night

Justin would enter a club, look for you (but only if you qualify as a “motherfucker”), and then steal your girl so that she can “burn it up” for Justin. Oh, that's a fact.

Moreover, Justin discovered new ways to rhyme words, no doubt adding to his attempt to revive “sexy.” He discovers that you can rhyme “babe” with “way” and “behave,” although that's not the most astonishing revelation. He also patents the mix-matching of “back” and “back.”


But when did sexy die? Somewhere, at least one day before July 7, 2006, it had to croak. And that's what I'm here to tell you.

Now, if there's one thing I know about Justin Timberlake, it's that he's capable of time travel, because let's be realistic here: he's a moron. And the only way he could write a song as catchy as “SexyBack” would be to have come back from the future after someone else wrote it and tried to pass it off as his own.

And there is only one person who has possibly been able to kill sexy in the history of mankind and then bring it back, and that one person is Britney Spears.

For those of you who, as mentioned earlier, have spent the last three years in Commieland, Spears shaved her head during the winter of 2007. Then she grew her hair back, appeared on How I Met Your Mother (which is great for its abundance of facts about Canada), and regained a high level of sex appeal for any heterosexual male who's not whipped by his girlfriend.

National motto of Canada

And in the alternate universe, Spears wrote a song about bringing sexy back, where she probably switched the pronouns, but you never know.

So what better way for Justin to get back at Britney for outing him as a homosexual, I mean for only having sex with him once than to steal her song and go back in time and turn it in as a hit.

Suddenly, Britney never gets to bring sexy back after she killed it and Justin can have a smash hit that required no creative effort of his own. Moreover, he gets to show off that he's such a man, he can bring sexy back even before Britney kills it in the first place.

Now, you might be asking how I know all of this, and as I said in the last blentry (blog entry), I'm a history major, so I just know it.

This is important shit, people.