#4. Credibility of Baseball Players

Once upon a time, baseball players were heroes to be idolized. There was Ty Cobb, who while not being a bigoted racist and attempting to kill spectators in the stands who taunted him, collected over 4,000 hits and a .366 average on his way to the Hall of Fame. Then of course there was Babe Ruth, who was already an alcoholic and serial tobacco chewer by the time he was seven, aiding him in his quest for 714 career home runs.

Ty Cobb conversing with a fan from second base

And lest we forget Grover Cleveland Alexander, who once partied so hard that he had to be woken up in the bullpen during the 6th inning and asked to come on and pitch. It’s debatable whether he was still drunk or just really hung over, but it did not matter. Ten outs later, the St. Louis Cardinals were World Series champions, 4 games to 3.

Yes, those were the glory days when we idolized our baseball players, trusted their every move, and dreamed of losing to them in a brawl.

But now? Oh boy, now.

Put the salary, three-month winter vacation in the Caribbean, hot wife, and retirement at 40 aside, and there’s not a single person who wants to be a baseball player anymore. The scrutiny of being a baseball player is just too much.

Because, face it, if you are in the Major Leagues, you took steroids. If you ever hit a home run or struck out five batters, you took more steroids. If you ever 30 home runs in a season, woah, your testicles must be the size of cranberries.

The fact that every baseball player must have used steroids is as well known and substantiated as the fact that Canada is cold. Don’t believe me? I have a list of sources.


Take, for instance, Jose Canseco. On the days that Jose Canseco was not lying face-down so Mark McGwire could inject him in his ass with some ‘roid, Canseco was talking to all his brethren and finding out just what they took.

McGwire did HGH, Sammy Sosa something else, Kevin Brown tried to invent his own steroids, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn took glasses.

Known juicer

Each one, in his own way, found a way to taint the game and murder the credibility of everyone else.

Do you think Albert Pujols is clean? Yes, you do. Would you bet your life on it? No. Because his credibility is dead, just like everyone else.

Everyone from Sadaharu Oh to Jarrod Saltalamacchia is now a suspect of doping, and every single one of them will lie about it.

Rafael Palmeiro lies to Congress. Sammy Sosa forgets how to speak English. Roger Clemens sues his personal trainer who has tapes and documents proving Clemens guilt, at least somewhere. Kirt Ojala mysteriously retires from baseball after going 3-10 over three seasons with the Florida Marlins.

And now the credibility of everyone is gone.