#10. Ronald Reagan

Yesterday, we discussed the death of Reaganomics. Naturally, today we'll discussed the death of Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan died on June 5, 2004, a day more commonly remembered as the day when Smarty Jones's Triple Crown hopes were dashed by Birdstone, a horse whose odds were the second-largest number ever known to man, behind only Reagan's age. The defeat hurt Smarty Jones so much, he quit his sport and decided to move to Kentucky and become a prostitute, selling himself to eligible mares for $100,000 a pop. Oh, he also gets fed, housed, and groomed and doesn't have to pay a dime for any of it. And he gets a dozen fan letters a day. Me, I get slapped with a lawsuit if I get within 20 feet of any woman who has ever posed for Playboy. What the fuck?

But I digress, on that grey Saturday on Long Island, news of Ronald Reagan's death spread like AIDS in Swaziland, except that in this case black people were happy of the result. Bedtime for Bonzo, like the non-personal, overexagerrated style of acting from the baby boom era, was dead.

And I'm crying foul.

You expect me to type "Fowl!" here, but that's a dumb joke and I'm above it.

Sure, everyone assumed it was of natural causes. I mean, he did have alzheimers and all that and no one had seen him in a decade. But let's get real for a minute: no one had seen him because he was already dead.

Right after Reagan's last public appearance in 1994, Reagan died. He must have. Reagan outside of the spotlight? That's as unheard of as someone saying he approved of the Double U presidency. It's like Braylon Edwards catching a wide-open touchdown pass. It's like NBC having a hit scripted program. It's like Michael Bay directing a critically acclaimed masterpiece. It's like Family Guy ending a joke before three minutes after it was no longer funny. It's like the Jonas Brothers getting laid. It's like someone being sexually attracted to Kathy Bates. It's like the Jonas Brothers masterbating to Kathy Bates while having a discussion about the merits of a Michael Bay movie.

For anyone who thinks the foot-breaking scene in Misery is the freakiest scene in movie history, I counter with this picture.

So, you must be wondering how I explain the fact that many people saw Reagan playing golf with Bob Hope or witnessed him enter and exit his office until he broke his hip in 2001?

Well, that's simple: he had an identical twin brother.

Every famous celebrity who ever mattered had an identical twin brother (not sister, of course, since celebrity women not named Anna Kournikova have never mattered, and if Anna Kournikova had a twin, I would know about it), and that twin brother stepped in for the celebrity whenever necessary.

Another thing that's never mattered

Do you think Barack Obama really had time in his busy schedule of attending meaningless sporting events like the UNC basketball practice or the MLB All-Star Game to make a trip to Europe to meet with all the world leaders? His twin of course did all that.

And Elvis? Oh he died, but that was in Vietnam (and he did serve in Vietnam; he reenlisted because Elvis is the best American ever). And his twin, who had gotten fat in the 1950s from working at McDonalds, overdosed because he was sick of his brother getting all the fame despite recording such notable hits in the 1970s as, um, well, yeah.

No, every celebrity for the past century has had a twin brother, and on that Saturday, Ronald Reagan did not really die. He was long since passed. No, it was his brother who died, and now it's time we give his brother his due respect.

Rest in peace, Ronald Wilson Reagan, Jr's twin brother. You might not have been as good an actor or politician or staunch neo-conservative, but gosh darnit, you played the role of the identical twin brother admirably. And for that, we salute you.