#5. Arena Football League

For those who don’t know, I make a schedule of what I plan to do on this blog. For example, I already know what will be happening on Labor Day, on Election Day, on Thanksgiving Day, etc. But at the same time, I’m open for change. Every now and then there will be a happening of such great importance that I have to alter my entire schedule just to announce its death.

This is not one of those times.

But nonetheless, I’ll alter the schedule because I liked the Arena Football League, sort-of.

Another thing I like sort-of.

I enjoyed it’s wide-open, high-flying, shootout offense with hard-hitting defense and 56-yard field goals, sort-of.

I looked forward to it’s fan-friendly policies and it’s emphasis on players playing both directions, sort-of.

Oh screw it, who am I kidding? So, the AFL has died, gone away, kaput, sad ain’t it?

The AFL had as big of a loyal following as the Andorran National Football team, as Dennis Kucinich during the 2008 Presidential Election, as Canada on Twitter.

Sure people went to the games, sometimes, but what else is there to do in Grand Rapids, Mich. or Albany, N.Y.? Nothing.

Grand Rapids has 2.04 times the national rate of aggravated assault.

But once the AFL expanded into such beautiful places as Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Long Island, N.Y., it was only a matter of time before the league flopped.

Hey Mets fans, remember when Mo Vaughn flopped in New York? This is not a joke. Just me mocking the Mets, who are a joke.

It’s dangerous enough just going to work in Los Angeles, yet traveling half way across town to watch a minor league football game? Do you want to die? That’s like walking up to a black man and asking him to mug you: dangerous, but with a 100 percent chance of the expected result.

Nonetheless, the AFL decided to try to show itself as big-time and fell flat on its face. And sometime soon, the league will commit suicide.

The AFL joins Wall Street, my friend Robert on his bike, and the credibility of Fox News among things to have fallen flat on their face

(On a sexist side note, studies show that women are three times more likely to attempt to commit suicide and fail than men are, just more proof that men are more capable of completing tasks they start.)

Yet, it’s still a loss. No matter how mediocre the AFL was, it did give me a sport to watch in the spring. And come each June when there’s nothing going on in any major sport of any importance, the AFL provided postseason football. And I’ll miss it, sort-of.

But I’ll persevere, I’ll be strong, and on Friday I’ll be back on track with my schedule, sort-of.