#1a. Ugly, Old Guys Who Run Without Their Shirts On

Well, this is the first Tuesday post, and thus the first time we'll discuss something that still exists. While plenty of agitating things have died off, like Creed, the half-cent coin, and Australia's “Put another shrimp on the barbie” campaign, many other equally depressing happenings still linger and in some cases, thrive.

None, and by none I mean few, bug me as much as when I see an ugly, old guy running outside without his shirt on. I mean, seriously, come on.

Men have been given a privilege. Since we are not burdened with boobs (and that will be the only time in this blog I call boobs a “burden”), we are entrusted with the responsibility to only show off our chest at the appropriate time. As much as you may want Ana Ivanovic to remove her top, you won't ever get to see that because, A. you're ugly and B. she doesn't work as a sideline analyst for ESPN.



No, men have to make that choice. And generally, most of us chose correct.

For instance, a man is allowed to take off his shirt regardless of age, body mass index, or abnormal facial features if he's in his own house alone or with his spouse/children, or while making love, masturbating, or showering. Otherwise, restrictions apply.

If you live in a house that's painted Florida Gators colors, you are exempt from any restrictions on stripping

First of all, no one over the age of 45 who has never been a professional athlete, olympic athlete, professional body builder, or Sylvester Stallone is ever allowed out in public with no shirt on, unless they're swimming, saunaing, or driving a pick-up truck. That's it. Otherwise, it's shirt on. At a club, at the park, while suntanning more than 30 meters from the water at a beach, while waving a confederate flag while drinking beer, none of these. Once you turn 45, it's over.

Just because a redneck puts down his flag does not give him the right to go topless.

Same rules apply to anyone over 30 who weighs at least 250 pounds, has exhorbinant amounts of chest hair while balding, has less than two nipples, has more than two nipples, or has more than zero visible tattoos on places other than the lower back or upper arm.

For those who find this too complex, here's a simple list:

1. Are you Canadian? If yes, proceed to step 6. If no, proceed to step 2.
   
2. Are you older than 45? If yes, proceed to step 5. If no, proceed to step 3.
3. Are you older than 30? If yes, proceed to step 4. If no, proceed to step 7.
4. Do you weigh more than 250 pounds, are balding, have a lot of chest hair, have more or less than two nipples, or have a tattoo that's visible other than on your lower back or upper arm? If yes, proceed to step 5. If no, proceed to step 7.
5. Have you ever played a professional sport (golf excluded), performed in the olympics, been a professional bodybuilder, or are Sylvester Stallone? If yes, proceed to step 7. If no, proceed to step 6.
6. You are NEVER allowed to be out in public without a shirt on.
7. You have the right to be out in public without a shirt on, but please act responsibly.
   

And the worst offenders are joggers.

Just because you are trying to get into shape does not mean you are in shape, and the last thing anyone wants to see is some 74-year-old geiser running the streets of Coconut Grove in nothing but the speedo he got in 1972 when the company rolled out it's state of the arc nylon/elastane swimsuit. And trust me, it's frequent.

Insert bad joke about not even Jesus being able to save this man's right to wear a spedo

No, if you have been on this planet for 74 years, you should not be out in a speedo jogging. Ever.

For the sake of everyone else, please stop. You've been given the responsibility of knowing when to rip your shirt off, and your time has passed. Maybe next life you'll win a Super Bowl and maintain that privilege. Odds are, you'll be drafted by the Bengals.